


hold on

by Jya



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Crying, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Injury, M/M, all kinds of cute VIXX things, feeding each other, mild violence?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 08:50:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12362061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jya/pseuds/Jya
Summary: It's not abnormal for an idol to miss time because of injury or illness, but what we don't see is how it affects the group.Based on the time Leo fell ill and wasn't able to attend their promotions in Japan.Chapter 1: HakyeonChapter 2: TaekwoonChapter 3:





	hold on

**Author's Note:**

> I was kind of distraught when Leo got sick recently, so it made me wonder how hard it must have been on the rest of the group. The timeline is slightly off, but it seemed to fit well into a fic like this.

Hakyeon glanced across the room at the growing security line, then back down at the bulky black watch on his left wrist, gently pulling his sleeve back to reveal the time he already knew. He inhaled deeply, trying to subdue the anxiety rising in his chest. It was a familiar feeling, one that constantly went along with being the leader, the responsible one, but it didn’t make it any less frustrating.

Taekwoon was often late. That’s just who he was. But then he wasn’t usually _this_ late. Hakyeon was well aware that he’d had to stop in with their production manager before heading to the airport, but he shouldn’t have been held up this long. They both knew he had a flight to catch. Perhaps he was stuck in traffic? And from there his mind began to spiral downward, imaging all possible scenarios that could be making him late, each one more frightening than the next. This is what he did when he was worried about his members.

He shifted his documents under his arm, pulling his phone from his pocket, frowning slightly at the blank screen revealing no new messages. If he would at least text or call to say he was going to be late… to say that he was ok…

He shot off a quick text, then looked up again, scanning the crowd automatically.

Their manager was also running late. This was also normal, but again, it was out of the ordinary for him to be this held up. Typically when he was late, they didn’t question it. He was committed and constantly caring for the group; it was implied that he wasn’t late for his own personal reasons.

But the two of them together, and the length of the line going through security had Hakyeon on edge. He glanced nervously down at his phone again. There was no response.

A loud laugh caught his attention, and he turned to his right where the other four members were standing, or fooling around, rather. Hyuk had taken Hongbin’s hat and put it over top of his own. Jaehwan was holding Hongbin back and Wonshik was taking pictures as Hyuk set the two hats on top of one another, brims facing on opposite sides of his head.

“Hyogi my hair is not ok without a hat right now!” Hongbin whined as he tried to free himself from Jaehwan’s grasp that looked more like an overly enthusiastic hug than anything.

“KONG WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?” Jaehwan was wailing dramatically, wrapping his leg around Hongbin.  

Hakyeon shook his head, almost thankful for the momentary distraction, but quickly returned his attention to his phone as it began to vibrate in his hand.

His heart instinctively fell as the face on his screen was not Taekwoon’s, but his manager was the second best thing.

“Hello?”

“Hakyeon,” Yongjae said. His voice sounded strained and a bit exhausted, like he’d been running. “Are you all at the terminal?”

“All except Taekwoon. He’s not answering my texts.”

“You five need to get through security and get on the plane. You all have your documents, right?” His words were calm and collected, but his tone gave away his urgency.

“Yes, but where are you? And what about Taekwoon?”

“Taekwoon was taken to the hospital -”

“What?!” Hakyeon cut him off. “What do you mean?” He pressed his hand to his other ear so he could hear better. It sounded like Yongjae was standing in the middle of the street. He could hear horns and noisy engines in the background.

“I don’t know. Something about stomach pains. I don’t know anything else. I’m on my way now, but if I don’t make the flight you guys need to get on without me.”

“Stomach pains? When?”

“Hakyeon, I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I’ll let you know as soon as I hear something. You guys need to get to Tokyo. If I don’t make it, I’ll make sure someone is there to pick you guys up at the airport.”

Yongjae was all business as usual. The plans and events took priority. Normally this didn’t bother Hakyeon, but for once he wished he could be a little more personal.

“What do I tell the guys.”

“Do I need to remind you that you’re the leader? I trust your judgement in whatever you decide to tell them.”

It was almost like an icy slap in the face. As if Hakyeon could forget his role. Time had long since past since he’d been flattered by the words ‘leader’ and ‘trust’ when uttered from the mouth of his manager. The two of them had a good relationship, but Hakyeon always felt like the two of them managed the band as a pair; Hakyeon taking care of the group while Yongjae took care of the schedule and events. It wasn’t uncommon for them to bash heads, but they typically did so professionally and resolved things quickly.

“You alright?” Yongjae asked as Hakyeon was silent.

_No_.

“Yes. See you soon.”

Yongjae hung up, but Hakyeon held the phone to his ear a moment longer, taking the opportunity to collect himself as the others still assumed the call was connected.

Taekwoon was in the hospital? Strong, stoic, relentless Taekwoon? What the hell happened?

Hakyeon had just seen him that morning. He’d woken him up so he wouldn’t be late for his appointment. He watched him cook and eat ramen for breakfast. He’d complained that Taekwoon needed to eat more balanced breakfasts. Taekwoon had laughed. And now he was in the hospital?

He dropped the phone from his ear, eyes glued to the floor.

What was he going to say?

“Oi! Hyung!” Someone yelled - Hyuk, “Who was that?” The younger boy snatched Hakyeon’s hat off his head but he didn’t flinch.

“Hyung? You ok?” It was Hongbin this time, a hand found its way onto his shoulder.

Hakyeon mentally kicked himself.

_Get your shit together._

“Yeah, sorry. We need to go through security. Yongjae is running late. He said to go on ahead.” Hakyeon tried to keep his voice from shaking, but he wasn’t sure if he was succeeding. He could feel Wonshik’s glance; the guy was ridiculously perceptive. He wouldn’t say anything in front of the others, but he knew the feeling of that look. He was going to get cornered and interrogated later.

“What about Taekwoon Hyung?” Hyuk asked.

“He’s not feeling well. He’s staying behind to get checked out,” he said, not making eye contact, but adjusting the strap of his bag over his shoulder. He didn’t trust himself to say the words without giving something away. “We need to hurry though. Security is getting busy.”

“Is he sick?” Jaehwan asked.

“I’m not sure. Yongjae didn’t say much. He just said to get to the gate.”

“Did he got to the hospital?” It was Wonshik this time. His voice sounded somber, if not nervous.

Hakyeon looked up, making eye contact with the younger male. “Yeah,” he finally said.

The atmosphere around them dropped drastically, and Hakyeon hated himself for it. It was his job to keep everyone upbeat. They had a show that evening and they had to be in proper shape for it. They were debuting their new japanese album, and the first performance was tonight. It was bad enough that Taekwoon wasn’t going to be there for it, but if the five of them showed up on stage looking dead it would _not_ be good for their name or their label.

“I’m sure he’s ok,” Hakyeon said, swallowing the lump in his throat and forcing a bit of enthusiasm into his voice. “Hongbin, trade me hats. Yours is nicer than mine,” he said grabbing the pink hat from Hyuk’s head and tossing his black hat at Hongbin. He made a quick movement and darted toward the security line.

The line moved quickly, and the five made it to the gate with time to spare. The mood remained quieter, and it was painfully obvious that Jaehwan was trying to keep the others in good spirits despite the fact that they were all worried. Hakyeon knew he hadn’t done a very good job at hiding his panic, and he could see the growing concern among the group. He tried to keep a straight face, but he knew he was failing, and miserably at that. He kept looking over his shoulder, checking for any sign of Yongjae, or on the off chance Taekwoon had been released sooner than expected, their missing member.

Taekwoon. That was what he needed right now. His friend… his brother.

Neither however, appeared.

He took a seat in the waiting lounge. The flight didn’t seem to be overly packed, as the area wasn’t all that crowded. Just as he seated himself, his phone rang again.

Once again, he was disappointed.

“Hello,” he said, trying to stave off his panic.

“Hakyeon,” Yongjae said, as he always did when he meant business. “I’m going to miss the flight. I need to go over some stuff with you.”

“Sure,” he said, biting his tongue, as all he wanted was an update on Taekwoon.

“There will be a car waiting for you. The sign will say Jellyfish Entertainment. They’ll take you to the hotel to check in then straight to the venue so you’ll get a longer rehearsal and soundcheck. That way you can make any necessary adjustments.”

“Got it.”

“As for the songs..”

“Are you sure we can’t cancel or reschedule? It seems wrong doing it without Leo.” He knew what he was asking for was out of the question, but he couldn’t help himself.

“This is release for the new album,” he said it as though it was news to Hakyeon, as though he was stupid. He winced at Yongjae’s tone. “The music video airs tonight. No, we can’t reschedule.”

“Ok.” He stopped himself from retorting. He was frustrated and emotional, but Yongjae could be downright mean when he wasn’t getting his way. Now wasn’t the time.

“I had you slated to do Lalala and Crush, but I’m not sure about the vocals for Crush.”

“Hyuk can do it.” The words were out of his mouth before he’d even had a chance to process them.

“Are you sure? There are some… high notes.”

“Yes.” This time he knew what he was saying. And this time he was confident.

“Well if not, you can change it to Shangri-la. The costume department just left and I had them bring the necessary equipment.”

Hakyeon rolled his eyes. THe necessary _equipment_ was fans. That was all.

“Understood.”

“You know Seongpil is on holidays. Are you ok to alter it a bit?”

“Umm... “ As if their choreographer was going to be able to rewrite the routine a few hours before the show even if he was around to do it. No, it was better that he wasn’t. He was such a perfectionist that he’d be ripping his hair out minutes before they went on stage.

“You know, just so the formation doesn’t look full of holes.”

_It will be full of holes_

“Yeah, I’ll try.”

“See what you can do about designating Taekwoon’s parts as well. It shouldn’t be too hard.”

Hakyeon was speechless. It was like they were replacing a stage prop.

“Got it?”

“Yes,” Hakyeon said as distantly as he could.

“It’s your chance to shine as leader. I know you won’t let me down.”

“Right.” _Just keep layering on the pressure._

“See you as soon as I can.”

He almost hung up, but he stopped himself. “Is there an update on Taekwoon?”

“No.”

“Ok.”

He hung up. He knew it was disrespectful, but he had nothing else to say. He was certain he was going to hear about it later, but right now he didn’t care.

He took a deep breath, then looked around to make sure none of the other members were watching him as he fell apart. They all knew him well enough to know when he was crumbling. They didn’t need to see that right now.

They weren’t. Not at present moment anyway. Wonshik was a few seats down from him writing in a notebook - typical Wonshik behaviour. He was always writing something or brainstorming lyrics. Jaehwan and Hongbin were across from him, both of them on their phones. It was as though the energy had been zapped from them completely. Hyuk was nowhere to be seen. Of course, the one he needed to talk to.

“Where’d Hyogi run off to?” Hakyeon asked Wonshik, trying to keep his voice light.  

“Said something about snacks,” he mumbled, not looking up from what he was doing. The closer Hakyeon looked at him, the more he realized how pale he was. He looked like he was concentrating, but his eyes appeared dead.

He stood up and headed in the direction of the nearest shop with snacks, chancing a glance back at Wonshik.

Of course he was silently losing it. He and Taekwoon had worked their asses off promoting the sub-unit’s new album. He probably felt responsible. Taekwoon might have been older, but Wonshik always appeared more to be the leader of that group. Taekwoon was so quiet, it was unlikely that he’d say anything if he was feeling exhausted. Wonshik was probably feeling the exact same as Hakyeon: what did I miss?

He sighed to himself, pulling out his phone again. Of course the screen was still blank. He’d sent perhaps 20 texts to Taekwoon varying from panic to concern to words of support, insisting that Taekwoon not worry and stating that everything was under control while he recovered. But the longer the screen remained blank, the more Hakyeon worried. It wasn’t like him to not respond when he could. He must have known how worried they would be. And that was what scared him the most. If he could reply, he would. So for whatever reason, he couldn’t.

It hurt to think about.

Hakyeon finally spotted Hyuk standing in front of a wall of snacks, his arms already loaded while he continued to survey his options. Hakyeon wondered how much of his focus was really on the snacks.

“You’re going to give yourself cavities, you know,” Hakyeon said, approaching quietly and standing next to him.

“Hyung,” Hyuk replied, caught off guard, “not just me, I’m going to give us all cavities. Nothing raises spirits like sweets. Do you prefer berry or banana flavor?”

“Banana. Hey, can I ask you something?”

“You just did, but yes, you can ask me one more thing,” he said, attempting to keep a straight face, but bursting out into laughter.

Hakyeon smiled at him, appreciating the maknae’s spirit.

“Well Dumbledore,” Hakyeon made the silly Harry Potter joke, “We were supposed to debut Crush tonight as well as Lalala. Do you think you can sing Leo’s parts? There are a lot of strong notes in Crush. If you’re not up to it or want to practice, we can just do Shangri-la tonight. No pressure, ok?”

“Yes! Yes I want to sing Crush!” His enthusiasm surprised even Hakyeon. He was no stranger to the fact that Hyuk was always looking for opportunities to improve his vocals as well as showcase them, and personally he felt the maknae deserved more of them, but he felt that Hyuk should have been at least a bit nervous.

“Are you sure? We can decide at rehearsal if you want, we’ve got some extra - “

“No! I’m sure! I can hit all the notes, trust me, I’ve tried. It’s not hard.”

Hakyeon felt his spirits lift slightly. Hyuk was so foolish and so often obnoxious, not to mention evil most of the time, but seeing him so genuinely excited made him feel a bit relieved. The situation was far from desirable, but at least something positive might come from it.

“Ok, I’m going to go through the lyrics on the plane. But I’m glad you’re up for it.”

“I can take your lines too, if you want,” Hyuk teased.

Hakyeon laughed, wrapping an arm around the taller boy’s shoulders and dragging him to the checkout. He tossed a magazine and a bottle of banana milk in the pile then paid for all of it.

“You have to share that with the others,” Hakyeon said, handing Hyuk the bag and taking the water bottle for himself.

“Oh, I was… er… kidding. It was all for me.”

Hakyeon elbowed him and took a slow sip from the bottle.

They returned to the waiting area just as the plane was boarding. Hakyeon chanced one more look over his shoulder and admitted defeat. He’d already received confirmation that Taekwoon and Yongjae weren’t coming, yet he still found himself disheartened.

They were the last to board, and Hakyeon shoved his bag under his seat and plopped down next to the window. Moments later, Wonshik was beside him. He had his hood up, head phones on and jacket pulled tightly around him. He opened his notebook again, while Hakyeon expected him to start writing again, he tore out a couple of pages and dropped them in Hakyeon’s lap.

“What?” He asked. He’d thought of forcing a joke, but he doubted the other could hear him. Instead he looked down at the papers in his lap, the familiar messy handwriting staring back at him.

It was the lyrics to both Lalala and Crush my mind with all of Taekwoon’s lines designated with a name beside them.

“When did you do this?” He asked Wonshik, looking up at his friend.

Wonshik just shrugged, letting his head fall back and closing his eyes.

Hakyeon looked closer at the work Wonshik had done. He’d given most of the parts to Hyuk, but he definitely hadn’t left Hongbin out. He’d penciled Hakyeon in for a couple of parts, but it was obvious that he was trying to pull Hyuk in as much as he could. Hakyeon appreciated more than any of them would ever know that Wonshik was Hyuk’s biggest advocate. Every since he’d written Memory, Hakyeon knew that Hyuk was in good hands with the lyricist.  

“Thanks,” Hakyeon said, not sure if Wonshik could hear him. The other boy however, nodded, making Hakyeon wonder if his music was even playing.

He thought about trying to talk to him, but stopped himself. If he was making that great of an effort to appear occupied, he obviously didn’t want to talk. Later, perhaps, Hakyeon thought to himself.

Hakyeon leaned forward, pulling his own earbuds from his bag. He set them in his ears and put Crush on repeat, closing his eyes as he visualized each of the dance sequences.

The flight felt longer than usual. Turning his data off was awful, and he sat there with his arms crossed, his phone clenched tightly in his hand nonetheless. What was worse than turning it off though was turning it back on to find no new messages. He half wanted to throw the phone across the now stationary aircraft, but knew it wouldn’t help.

He really needed to pull himself together. He hated that he had no words of comfort for Wonshik, who hadn’t moved since he sat down. Jaehwan was still making noise behind him, successfully maintaining his own demeanor in Hakyeon’s absence.

He hadn’t even managed to figure out how he wanted to reorganize the dance for Crush. He was hoping it would all just sort of come to him when they got to rehearsal. Wonshik had done all the work so far, and while he appreciated it, it left him feeling inadequate.

As they filed off the plane, they walked by a coffee shop and of course Hakyeon thought of Taekwoon. His heart stung. Taekwoon never passed up a coffee after even a short plane ride. Jaehwan and Hongbin had been getting into it as well lately, but the five were silent as they passed it.

Hakyeon clenched his phone tighter in his pocket.

The ride to the hotel was quiet. Wonshik’s eyes were still closed. Jaehwan and Hyuk were playing a game on their phones together, but they were mostly quiet as well.

Hakyeon studied his group, wracking his mind for something to say, but he had nothing. Instead he just watched them, thinking of Taekwoon.

He couldn’t help remembering the time the Taekwoon had sprained his ankle, vividly recalling the pain the other had been in as he clenched his injured limb, his face contorted and twisting. Was that what he was feeling now? At least then Hakyeon had been there to offer some comfort, been there to hold his hand while Yongjae drove them to the hospital.

Hakyeon squeezed his eyes shut and lightly shook his head, trying to rid himself of the images. But he couldn’t. And it hurt so much. He felt like he could feel his friend’s pain stabbing him in the heart from every angle.

He finally decided he needed to physically stop this downward spiral, and he pulled out the lyrics that Wonshik had written out and handed it to Hyuk.

“Wonshik went through the lyrics and fixed things up, let me know if you see any issues.”

Hongbin leaned over and looked over Hyuk’s shoulder. The maknae began singing quietly, and Jaehwan quickly joined in. Wonshik then pulled off his headphones and leaned in as well.

Seconds later, the intense hip hop/pop song had turned into a gentle ballad as the five sang together. It felt heavy and painful, but it also felt like a tribute to Taekwoon.

The song ended, and they all glanced up at Hakyeon.

“Too bad we can’t perform it like that,” he said, forcing a smile.

The rest of the ride was calm, as though they’d reached an understanding not to talk about it. They didn’t know anything, and they couldn’t do anything about that now. It was interesting how at times like this, the group really shared a wavelength. They knew they needed to keep it together, but they also couldn’t pretend everything was cheery.

They dropped their things off at the hotel, Hakyeon the lone resident of his double room as he normally shared with Taekwoon. The room joined with Hyuk and Hongbin, so he wasn’t completely alone, but still, it felt empty. In a way he was happy, as he was suspicious that he was probably going to need the time to himself by the time the day was finished, especially if he still hadn’t heard from Taekwoon.

The stop at the hotel was short, and they quickly climbed back into the tinted, black SUV.

Hakyeon was in no mood to perform right now. All he wanted was to climb into a hot bath and then go to bed. He was feeling a bit hungry too, as he’d neglected Hyuk’s offer for snacks. It was that weird state though, where he was hungry but didn’t crave anything particular. In fact, the thought of most food options were downright appalling to him right now. This is how he knew he was stressing.

“Have you thought about how you want to reorganize the choreography?”

It was Wonshik who asked. Of course it was Wonshik.

“Yes, I’ve thought about it. I think I need to see it before I can really adjust it though. We can work on it when we arrive. Yongjae asked for extra time for us to rehearse.

“What are we going to tell the fans?”

This time it was Jaehwan.

“The truth? Taekwoon wasn’t feeling well so he stayed behind in Seoul for some tests?” Hyuk suggested.

“Yeah, I think so,” Hakyeon replied. “Assuming we haven’t heard anything by then.”

The car pulled around the side of a large theater, and the members piled out of the car, Hakyeon the last out, shutting the door behind him.

“OH FUCK!”

Hakyeon wailed, ripping his hand out from where he’d just slammed it in the door. He doubled over in pain, shaking his hand and pain flashed through his arm making him feel dizzy.

“What? What happened?” Wonshik asked.

“Hyung?”

A hand on his shoulder, but he backed away quickly, feeling like if he stood still his fingers might fall off.

“FUCKKKK!” He wailed, finally chancing a look at his right hand.

The nail on his index finger was completely filled with blood and it felt like it was pulsating, making him wonder if it was going to burst. The top knuckle on his middle finger was also swollen and the dark indent from the door was very visible. His entire hand felt hot.

He continued to swear, shaking his hand and trying not to cry.  The sight of it made his stomach churn, and he grasped his injured hand in his left and squeezed, crouching to the ground, but quickly standing up again.

“Shit, Hyung!” Hongbin squealed.

“You should go to the hospital,” Hyuk said.

“No,” Hakyeon said between gritted teeth, the heat now radiating from his hand up his arm and into his core. He could feel beads of sweat forming on his forehead and he could swear he was feeling light headed. The feeling was all too familiar.

It hadn’t been the first time he had fainted, but doing it in front of hundreds of fans meant he wasn’t going to forget the feeling, probably ever. He bent his legs and took in several deep breaths of air. He’d looked up how to avoid fainting after that very concert, and he knew the best ways to prevent it were eating and staying hydrated, but those couldn’t be helped now.

“What happened?” Their driver asked in rough Korean.

“He slammed his hand in the door,” Jaehwan replied, taking Hakyeon’s hand in his.

“What? My door?” The man asked, looking nervous with an air of defensiveness rising in his voice. He obviously thought he was going to be held responsible for this.

“I’m fine,” he insisted.

“See, he says he’s fine?”

“He’s not going to sue you. But he needs to go to a hospital,” Wonshik said, jumping in and finally sounding alert.

“No I don’t. No hospitals,” Hakyeon insisted, trying to keep his eyes off his hand. The sight was making him even more queasy.

“There’s a-a clinic across the street,” the driver stammered.

“Let’s go,” Wonshik said, wrapping an arm firmly around Hakyeon’s shoulders, marching him forward. “You guys go inside,” he nodded to the others.

Hakyeon gave up and let Wonshik lead him across the street, head down and mind swimming. The pain was excruciating, and he wasn’t winning this battle. He kept his right wrist cradled inside his left elbow, his left hand clenching his right bicep to keep his hand elevated. It hurt more when he let it drop. He knew his face was twisted in pain, but he couldn’t help it. It was all he could do to keep his tears at bay.

He let him take him to the walk-in clinic, but sent him away promptly as soon as they arrived, insisting that he needed to make sure the rehearsals were going well.

“It doesn’t look broken, but you should go for an x-ray just in case,” the doctor informed him as he examined Hakyeon’s hand. His teeth were gritted behind his lips, but he refused to verbalize any sound of pain. He’d been given an ice pack in the waiting room and was told to elevate it to bring the swelling down.

“And if it’s broken?” He asked, wincing as the doctor used his own hand to turn the injured fingers.

“They’ll put you in a bigger splint.”

“Got it,” Hakyeon said, making the executive decision that he would _not_ be getting x-rays done.

“I’ll drain some of the fluid to relieve the pressure and that should help with the pain. Keep it elevated, get the x-ray done, and try not to move around too much. It will probably hurt for a couple of weeks, but all you can do is rest and keep any strenuous activity to a minimum.”

Hakyeon turned away, wishing he’d let Wonshik stay as the doctor pulled out a needle and a basin. He felt an alcohol swab around his nail, then clenched his eyes as he felt the prick. It immediately felt better as the pulsating stopped, but he refused to look. He hated needles. He didn’t typically have a problem with blood, Taekwoon got nosebleeds all the time and they didn’t bother him, but there was something about the sight of his own that only added to the feelings of queasiness still washing over him.

“You might need to come back to get that done again tomorrow if it swells up again.”

He felt an adhesive band-aid wrapped around his finger and finally dared to look. The doctor proceeded to tape his index finger to his middle finger in order to splint it, then gave him a requisition for an x-ray and let him go.

Hakyeon took a deep breath as he exited the office. He no longer felt like he was going to faint. But his hand still hurt.

He crumpled up the piece of paper in his hand and tossed it into the nearest trash can then headed into the store next to the clinic. He picked up a bottle of black nail polish and painkillers before heading back to theater. He ripped the tape off his hand and tossed that in the garbage too.

“What did the doctor say?” Hyuk asked, his forehead covered in sweat, as Hakyeon joined their formation.

“It’s fine,” he lied. “How are you guys doing?”

“Alright, do you want to see what we came up with for Crush?”

As it turned out, they had managed to completely rearrange it, compensating for Taekwoon’s position, and a few of the formations even ended up looking better in a V formation with only five of them.

“Wow, you guys did all of that in the forty five minutes I was gone?”

“It was Wonshik,” Hongbin said.

“And Hyuk,” Jaehwan added.

“Want to try an actual rehearsal?” Wonshik asked, ignoring the praise. He still looked pale and unfocused, but clearly that wasn’t the case. Hakyeon suspected he was channeling all of his anxiety into his work, like he planned to do.

“Yeah, we should,” Hakyeon said.

Wonshik waved across the room, and a man in the sound booth nodded.

Hakyeon struggled to keep up. His body was protesting in every way possible, and he couldn’t bring himself to focus. If they were doing a dance like Shangri la he wouldn’t have had an issue, as his muscles knew it better than his brain. But then, he wasn’t going to be able to hold a fan with his hand in its current condition. Every movement hurt, and he regretted only take one pill. He would definitely need more before the show.

He kept his phone in his pocket, something he never did as he hated having any kind of extra weight on him while he danced, and he checked it every chance he got. There was still nothing from Taekwoon and still nothing new from Yongjae. He could feel his group’s eyes on him, and a part of him knew that had Taekwoon been present, he would see through his facade faster than anyone else. Taekwoon always knew what he was thinking and he could always tell when he was even slightly off his game.

But thinking about this made him feel worse. Taekwoon could always tell, so why couldn’t he return the favor? How long had this been going on? Surely Hakyeon should have noticed _something_. It made him feel inadequate not only as a leader, but as a friend. He hated it. And his focus continued to plummet.  

The rehearsals got worse the more they did them. Hakyeon couldn’t concentrate, and because he wasn’t on point, no one was. He knew he was the glue holding them together, knew that now more than ever he needed to be that adhesive factor, but he just couldn’t. It wasn’t working. Every time he messed up he wanted rip his mic off and throw it. The lump in his throat grew larger with each mistake, and he was certain that this was going to be his worse live performance to date.

They finally got kicked off the stage to allow the other groups to rehearse, and they headed back to their dressing room. The makeup and costume teams had arrived, so they really had no privacy. Hakyeon ordered a huge amount of food, enough to feed everyone, and enough so that no one noticed when his portion didn’t disappear. He couldn’t eat. He had no appetite. He attempted to stay hydrated though, the last thing he needed was to faint again on stage.

Jaehwan had put some music on and he had Hongbin and Hyuk dancing with him, laughing like the idiots they usually were. Wonshik still had his headphones on and his notebook out, and while this was normal Wonshik behavior before a show, Hakyeon couldn’t help noticing how bad he really looked. He doubted anyone who didn’t know him as well as Hakyeon would notice, but to him, he looked completely distraught. He couldn’t sit still, he clearly wasn’t writing anything as his pen didn’t touch the page for more than a split second at a time, and he kept messing with his hair and rubbing his eyes.

Hakyeon sat off to the corner while the others got their hair and makeup done, painting his nails black. His index finger had swelled up again, blood pooling at the end of the digit, and it made it painful to do anything with his hand. His whole right hand shook as he tried to paint the left hand, and he was ready to give up when Wonshik plopped down beside him, wordlessly taking the brush from him and angling himself properly so that he could help. Hakyeon said nothing, but sat and watched the other boy’s brows knit in concentration as he worked. The distraction was probably good for him.

“How bad is the pain?” Wonshik finally asked pulling his headphones down around his neck.

Hakyeon studied him, taking advantage of the fact that he was focused and not looking up at him. He didn’t know how much to let on as the other was already worried enough. “Not bad.”

“Liar,” Wonshik whispered, reaching for Hakyeon’s other hand.

“And how are you feeling?” Hakyeon asked, allowing Wonshik to take his injured hand, trusting completely that he wouldn’t hurt him. He didn’t, of course.

“I’m alright.” He still didn’t look up.

“I guess we’re both liars,” Hakyeon said with a sigh.

Wonshik’s lips perked up into a half smile. That was as close to the truth as Hakyeon was going to get and he knew it. But he appreciated the honesty nonetheless. Wonshik was the type who would retreat so far into himself and never share what he really felt. On rare occasions Hakyeon had seen him finally break, but he knew that Wonshik typically preferred to have his breakdowns alone. He’d wanted to help so bad, but Wonshik never allowed it. He couldn’t really blame him though, as he was the same. The others were better about coming to each other for help when they needed it. Hakyeon, Wonshik and Taekwoon were not.

He felt a bit better once his hair and makeup was done. It made him feel less exposed, less vulnerable. The black nail polish had effectively covered up his blood-filled finger nail, but it was still swollen and it still hurt. He’d popped another painkiller and we hoping it wasn’t going to slow him down too much. He had performed through pain countless times before, but if the pills zapped him of energy then he was going to have a hard time.

The first performance was a train wreck. The swelling in Hakyeon’s hand had gotten really bad again and anything that involved extending his arms hurt. Lalala was relatively quiet and slow, be he was dreading Crush. They had a break in between, and Hakyeon was heading straight for his phone and his bottle of pills.

Aside from the pain, he felt slow and like he hardly knew the routine. His movements weren’t sharp and because he felt sluggish, everyone else seemed to follow. He knew they must have looked awful.

“Hakyeon.”

He looked up from his still blank phone. Yongjae was standing there, fully clad in a suit and tie, arms crossed against his chest, forehead clenched in a serious manner. He did _not_ look happy.

_Shit_

Good timing, Hakyeon thought to himself. He bowed his head gently, saying nothing.

Yongjae tilted his head, gesturing for Hakyeon to follow him. He did, feeling his heart rate spike, sweat beading down the back of his neck worse than during his performance.

This wasn’t going to be good.

He was lead out of the room and into a smaller, empty dressing room that was obviously not in use.

“Look, Yongjae hyung,” he began, frantically feeling the need to defend himself. The look on Yongjae’s face was less than pleased, and Hakyeon knew he was in for it. He’d only hoped that he would have waited until after the second performance to give him a chance to redeem himself. “I know - ”

SLAP

He was cut off as the hand struck him hard across the left cheek. Pain seared across his face as his head wrenched to the side, and his hand instantly jumped to touch the part of his face that now burned and stung like it had been touched with hot coals.

He quickly worked to compose himself, dropping his hand, closing his mouth and adjusting his eyes so they focused on the ground. He took several quick breaths hoping to ease the pain in his face, but he knew there was no ridding himself of the disappointment now flooding the room between the two men.

“Need I remind you, Hakyeon, that this your job?” Yongjae said, his voice quiet but cold, venom flowing from the pores of each word. “I’ve never seen a more disappointing performance from you, and by extension, the group.”

The words burned far worse than his cheek, and his hand for that matter. He’d been told that he wasn’t at his best before, but never that he’d been straight up awful.

“I’m sorry. I’ll take full responsibility,” he said, his eyes not leaving the fake wood laminate flooring. His toes pressed so hard into the ground that he half expected the flooring to crack. He hoped it would, that way there was a chance that it would swallow him whole.

“Yes, you will, Hakyeon. I expected better. You are under contract as the leader of this group, and you are expected to lead it. When you don’t show up to a performance, the other members are at a loss for what to do.”

“I understand,” he said, the lump threatening at the back of his throat now more than ever. He squeezed his right hand tight, aggravating his sore fingers, but it was enough to distract him from the sting of his failure. He managed to keep the pain off his face, but only just.

“You’ve rearranged the second performance?”

“Yes sir,” Hakyeon said. “Wonshik deserves more credit than I do, though,” he admitted. He would never take that away from Wonshik. Even if Hakyeon was being ripped apart, he deserved the praise he would no doubt get.

“I expect more out of you, got it?”

“Yes sir,” Hakyeon said.

“Take a couple of minutes to pull yourself together. You have twenty minutes before you’re due on stage again.”

“Yes sir.”

Hakyeon didn’t move until Yongjae left the room. Even then he couldn’t find the strength to move, and he fell to his knees on the ground, clenching his fists in frustration. His face burned, his hand burned, but nothing hurt as much as his pride. His pride as a performer, his pride as a member of VIXX, his pride as their leader. It felt like he had nothing. What right did he have to call himself a leader if he couldn’t even hold it together in times of adversity? Just because something went wrong, he fell apart.

He deserved that slap and so much more. How was he going to face his group, no, his friends, now?

He stood up and shook his head. It wasn’t like he could just stay here. He didn’t have time to think, and he knew it might have been for the best. Any amount of thinking would only cause him to fall deeper into his own mind and his own self pity. There was only one option now.

He glanced in the mirror. His makeup was caked on too thick of there to be any remnant of the slap, but he could still feel it. It was probably going to leave a bruise, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t cover up.

He steeled himself, burying his own pain, his own disappointment, his own self-pity. One more deep breath, and he let himself back into the dressing room. All four members looked up at him quickly.

“Do you know something about Taekwoon?”

Jaehwan was the first to ask, but the others had similar expressions on their faces.

He put the pieces together quickly, pulling out his phone to confirm that he didn’t in fact have any news. They thought that Yongjae had pulled him aside to tell him something about Taekwoon’s condition.

It would be easy to pretend nothing happened. He could make something up so easily at this point. But he wasn’t that kind of person, and he would also never throw Yongjae under the bus. He deserved what he got, and now he needed to make it right.

“No, it wasn’t about Taekwoon. It was about our - my performance. I’m sorry, you guys. My mind wasn’t on stage, and as a result I didn’t perform to the best of my ability. When I’m not in top form, I’m not fit to lead you guys and I’m sorry. I’ll do better in this coming stage.”

Everyone was silent, staring at him in awe.

“You really think you can throw us all off that easily?”

It was Hyuk.

“What?” Hakyeon looked at him, not sure exactly what he was getting at.

“You think that you not being on your game means none of us will be able to perform?”

“What? No, I meant that - “

Hyuk cut him off. “Hyung, none of us were in our right minds. We’re all worried about Taekwoon, and about you for that matter.”

“Don’t worry about me,” Hakyeon said automatically.

“Did Yongjae hyung just ream you out?” Wonshik asked.

“What? No. No he didn’t ream me out,” he lied, really hoping that he hadn’t looked too quickly at his cheek in the empty room, hoping there were no signs of the injury. “He asked what was going on.”

It wasn’t a good lie, but it would suffice.

Wonshik stared at him, making Hakyeon feel as though he was staring straight through his eyes and into his soul. It made him feel vulnerable and exposed, and he looked away, breaking the eye contact.

“Look, none of it matters right now. We have another song to perform and we owe it to the fans to give them everything we have. We can talk about the rest later.”

“Yeah, let’s make this our best performance ever in Japan!” Jaehwan jumped in, flipping a switch and setting the tone. It was cheesy, but it was what they needed right now.

“Hai!” Hongbin added.

Hakyeon led them in their cheer, and the prepared themselves both mentally and physically for their performance.

The second stage was much better than the first, and Yongjae actually congratulated them at the end of it. Hakyeon still didn’t feel good about it, but he managed to turn off his mind for the four minutes required and was able to be himself, aside from the fact that his hand burned the entire time. In a way he had used it as a distraction and it had helped a bit, but now his finger was swollen massively again, and he was doing everything he could to hide it from everyone.

Wonshik had disappeared, but the rest of them were drinking Japanese soda in their dressing room. Hakyeon picked up his phone, disappointed to see that there was still no response from Taekwoon, but he did feel a bit better. He knew it was relief that the show was over more than anything.

They participated in the end of the show where all of the artists were announced and the fans cheered like crazy. Hakyeon took the mic, thanking them all for coming and apologizing for Taekwoon’s absence, claiming that he simply wasn’t feeling well. He felt guilty leaving them hanging, but it was really all he knew as well so they would have to deal with it. Jellyfish would make an announcement when they knew more.

They returned to the hotel and Hakyeon headed up to his room alone. The others decided to go eat, but he really didn’t have the energy. He couldn’t wait to shower, change and just lie down. They understood, nodding as he went.

The shower, that turned out to be more of a bath, was heavenly. The warm water seemed to relieve some of the strain in his shoulders and his back, but did nothing for his hand. Still, he felt much better as he stumbled out of the bathroom, the hot steamy air filling the room. He was digging for a pair of sweatpants when his phone vibrated.

He glanced up, assuming it was probably Wonshik asking him if he wanted them to bring him something to eat. But the emoji next to the name was orange. There was only one contact in his phone that it could be, and he nearly dove across the room to where his phone was plugged in.

Taekwoon: Hey

Hakyeon, his pants still around his ankles, wearing only a t-shirt and boxers, frantically unplugged his phone and tapped the call icon so fast he doubted Taekwoon had even had time to put his phone down.

He heart pounded in his chest as the phone rang once, twice, a third time. _Come on, Taekwoon!I_

Finally, the ringing stopped. It was silent. And then finally…

“Hello?”

Hakyeon almost burst into tears. The sound of Taekwoon’s soft, timid voice resonated in his ears, and he felt like he could breathe again. He let out a loud sigh, and his friend chuckled on the other end of the line.

“You scared the shit out of me!” Hakyeon finally cried.

“Sorry,” Taekwoon said lightly. His voice sounded tired, or maybe sedated, he wasn’t sure.

“Are you ok?”

“Think so,” he said, sounding like he was checking himself out to confirm. “I’m still at the hospital.”

“What happened?”

“I’m not sure,” Taekwoon said slowly. He was nearly whispering now, and Hakyeon wondered if it was intentional or if it caused him some sort of discomfort to talk. “I had this incredible stomach pain, then the next thing I knew I was throwing up blood.”

“Shit, Taekwoon. What did the doctors say?”

“Nothing yet, really. They’re doing tests and stuff. I guess I was good enough for them to give me my phone back though. That has to be good, right?”

Hakyeon felt the tears threaten once more. He felt so terrible not being able to be with Taekwoon right now. He must have been so afraid. His parents didn’t live close by anymore, so he would have been alone.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there,” Hakyeon whispered, feeling that he would lose all composure if he tried to speak normally.

“Don’t apologize. I should be the one apologizing for not being there. Everyone texted me. Sorry for worrying you guys.”

“Fuck Taekwoon… just… get better, please?”

“Working on it,” he whispered.

Hakyeon heard a voice in the background, though he couldn’t make out what was being said.

“I have to go. Can you tell everyone I’m ok? And to stop worrying?”

“Yeah I’ll tell them. Feel better. Text me if you can, ok?”

“Sure. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight” Hakyeon said, so many words left unsaid, clinging to his tongue.

He let his phone fall from his face, and this time the tears did come. He didn’t bawl and sob like he thought he would; the tears just fell from his eyes, down his face, onto his shirt. He didn’t make any effort to stop them, he just let it happen. With each tear shed, he felt a little better, as though his problems were leaving his mind by way of his tears. He wiped at his eyes, feeling the pain in his left cheek, but somehow it didn’t sting as much. His hand was throbbing like it was before, and his body felt less heavy.

Just when he felt himself dozing off slightly, the lock on the door clicked, and he jumped up into a sitting position, nearly falling off the bed in attempt to see who it was.

“Hyung, you’re still up,” Hyuk said, his duffel bag slung over his shoulder and his hands full of bags and his pillow.

“Yeah, what’s up?” He asked, wiping his face once again, hoping to hide the evidence of his breakdown.

“Hongbin Hyung kicked me out of his room. He said he needed a night away from my snoring,” he offered a small half smile.

Hakyeon grinned softly, sniffling at the same time. Whoever had actually facilitated Hyuk’s move was certainly only worried about Hakyeon. Hongbin could sleep through anything, so Hyuk’s snoring was nothing, and even if Hongbin had tried to throw him out under regular circumstances, Hyuk would just crash on the bed and not move. He was bigger than any of them now and no one could move him once he decided he was staying put.

“Ah well, his loss,” Hakyeon said. “How was dinner?”

“Uh, they’re actually still down there. I came back for a shower and got take out. Hungry?” He held up two large plastic bags full of take out boxes.

“Yeah, kind of,” Hakyeon said, his stomach growling as though mocking him. “I just talked to Taekwoon.”

“Oh really? What did he say?” Hyuk asked, tossing his bag down into a chair and bringing the plastic bags over to the bed. He seated himself next to where Hakyeon had curled up and started untying the knot in one of the bags.

“He said he was still in the hospital. They’re running tests, but they’re not sure what happened yet. He asked me to tell everyone that he’s ok though.” He wondered if he should say anything else, about the puking blood or the way that his voice had just sounded so exhausted.

“Mm,” Hyuk hummed, pulling out boxes of food and laying them in front of them, “well I’m glad you finally heard from him. I wonder when he’ll be joining us though.”

“I’m not sure,” Hakyeon said. He hadn’t even thought of that part. “To be honest, it might be better if he stays there. I think he’s burnt out from the LR promotions.”

“Blame Wonshik for all the high notes,” Hyuk laughed, passing Hakyeon a set of chopsticks.

“Speaking of high notes,” Hakyeon said as he broke the disposable eating utensils apart, “you were unreal tonight.”

“No I wasn’t,” Hyuk insisted, helping himself to a piece of some kind of roll. “I was as absent as everyone else. I kind of blew my chance to shine in Taekwoon’s absence.”

“You sounded amazing, just wait till Taekwoon hears it. Aw shit,” he said, struggling to even hold the chopsticks.

“Oh shit your hand. How is it?” Hyuk asked, grabbing a piece of the roll he’d been eating between his own chopsticks and offering it to Hakyeon. “It’s not spicy.”

“Not good,” Hakyeon admitted, setting down his chopsticks with his left hand and examining the injured digits for himself. He finally set his hand down and accepted the sushi that Hyuk fed him.

“I could see it in your dancing. You were in pain,” Hyuk said, putting his chopsticks down and opening up a couple more boxes of food from the other bag.

“Shit, was it that obvious?” Hakyeon stared at the food helplessly, contemplating just using his hands to eat.

“Probably just to me,” Hyuk said, “which do you want?”

Hakyeon pointed to the prawn tempura, and Hyuk dipped it for him and fed it to him, keeping his left hand underneath to catch any mess.

“I don’t think anyone else noticed. They already knew about it, but I don’t think anyone watches you dance as closely as I do, besides maybe Taekwoon, but he’s always watching all of us.”

“Thanks. Why do you watch so closely?” Hakyeon asked through a mouthful of food.

“Because that’s how I learn. That and I can’t take my eyes off of you. You’re just… hypnotizing to watch dance. I want to dance like you.”

Hakyeon cradled his bad hand in his good one, watching Hyuk as he spoke. The younger boy could be so sincere when he wanted to be; it was light night and day from his usual behavior. Hakyeon wondered how much of it was just to make him feel better, and how much of it was actually true. His words seemed sincere enough though.

“Are youuu…” Hyuk paused, reaching down to his bag again, “in the mood for a drink?” He held up two bottles of Hakyeon’s favourite Japanese beer, a grin wide across his face.

“You did _not_!” Hakyeon said, staring in awe. You could find the beer in Korea if you looked hard enough, but Hakyeon insisted that it was more special if he only drank it when they were in Japan. Everyone else in the group hated it, insisting that it was too fruity and girly.

“It’s really not that bad,” Hyuk said, opening one of the bottles and handing it to Hakyeon.

“I know it’s not! You guys are crazy!” He took a long sip, savoring the flavor which he could only scarcely compare to elderflower and peach. He felt the burn of the alcohol all the way down the back of his throat, but it felt like less of a burn and more of a warmth today, spreading its glow through his body as it went. He hadn’t eaten much yet, and he felt the tingle in his legs almost immediately.

“We might just be giving you hard time,” Hyuk grinned, taking a sip from the other bottle. “I only bought the two, since it’s technically a work night.”

“Thanks Hyogi,” Hakyeon said, tapping his bottle against Hyuk’s and taking another sip.

“Cheers to the release,” Hyuk said. Hakyeon nodded.

Hyuk helped him eat until most of the food was gone and the pair felt too full to move. Hakyeon was ready to simply roll over and pass out, but just as he was seriously starting to consider it, there was a knock at the door.

Hyuk stared at Hakyeon, and the two exchanged confused glances. The others could have just come through the other room, so it wasn’t them. Finally Hyuk got up and answered it.

“Oh, hi,” Hyuk said as he opened the door, quickly bowing. Hakyeon immediately straightened up at that, and watched as Yongjae came in.

“Hyuk, can you give us a minute?” Yongjae asked, his voice much calmer than before.

“Of course,” Hyuk said, bowing again and ducking outside in only his sweatpants and t-shirt, still barefoot.

“Hyung,” Hakyeon said, standing up and bowing as the other man entered the room. He felt nervous, like he was going to get in trouble again. He wasn’t sure he could handle anymore of these talks to tonight, and he felt a bit loopy from the beer he’d drank.

“You heard from Taekwoon?” Yongjae asked, taking a seat in the chair across from Hakyeon who lowered himself back onto the edge of his bed.

“Yes.”

Yongjae nodded. “I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have blown up at you like that.”

“No, you were right,” Hakyeon replied. He wasn’t sure what else to say.

“We were all stressed out, but it isn’t an excuse. Wonshik came to talk to me after and told me you’d injured yourself. Are you alright?”

“What? Yes, I’m fine,” Hakyeon said, lying through his teeth while casually trying to hide his right hand from view.

Thankfully he didn’t ask. Instead he reached around to the bag he was carrying and pulled out a blank white envelope. “I hope you aren’t too tired,” he said, handing it to Hakyeon.

“What’s this?”

“A ticket back to Seoul. Go see Taekwoon, I think he needs you,” Yongjae said. “It will be a quick trip, as we have another performance the day after tomorrow.”

“You’re serious?” Hakyeon said, pulling the documents out of the envelope in disbelief. It was indeed a ticket from Tokyo to Seoul.

“Yes. You leave in two hours. Grab what you need.”

Hakyeon let the papers fall into his lap. “Thank you,” he said, fresh tears forming in his eyes. He stood and grabbed Yongjae in a hug. “Thank you so much.”

“Yeah yeah, get off me and get your crap together.” But even as he said it, he stroked the back of Hakyeon’s hair in a loving way.

As he pulled away, Yongjae gently touched Hakyeon’s jaw, turning his face into the light and examining his left cheek. “I’m sorry I hit you. You didn’t deserve that.”

“I probably did. And it worked, didn’t it? Our second performance was better.”

Yongjae offered a half smile and clapped him on the shoulder. “Your car will be in here about fifteen minutes. I’ll meet you downstairs.”

On the way out, Hakyeon managed to find Wonshik curled up in his bed, headphones on and notebook in hand, once again. Hakyeon dove on top of him, smacking his bad hand in the process but managing to ignore the pain.

Wonshik, caught off guard, squealed in surprise, ripping off his headphones.

“Oh fuck, it’s you,” Wonshik said, dropping his head back down onto his pillow.

“Thank you!” Hakyeon said to him, burying his head between Wonshik’s head and shoulder.

“Oh.” Wonshik said, his voice regaining its normal tone.

“You didn’t have to do that. I know you’re as stressed as I am.” His voice was muffled, but his words were still discernable. Or so he thought, anyway.

“Don’t worry about it,” he replied.

“I’m going to see Taekwoon,” Hakyeon said.

“What?” Wonshik said, pulling his head back to get a look at Hakyeon’s face.

“Yongjae hyung is sending me back for a day to check up on him.”

Wonshik looked envious, and Hakyeon felt guilty that he was the one going and not Wonshik. He knew how responsible the other boy felt.

“Send him my best, ok?” Wonshik finally said. “And make sure he’s actually ok. That guy is such a liar sometimes.”

“I will,” Hakyeon said. “Don’t worry, I will.” And he meant it. He wasn’t getting back on that plane until he knew their brother was ok.

**Author's Note:**

> A huge shout out to shatteredepiphany. This wouldn't have happened without her... for so many reasons. ilu
> 
> Come ~~scream~~ chat with me on [tumblr](http://superiortechnology.tumblr.com)  
> 


End file.
